Working in the counseling field for the past 8 years and in private practice the last 2 years I have found that a lot of people suffer from anxiety, without understanding what is going on. Quite a few of my clients have commented they did not realize the symptoms they were experiencing were in fact, anxiety. That’s why I have decided to write my blog on this topic and hopefully provide some insight into the disorder and some helpful tips that my clients have found beneficial in their treatment.

First up, what is anxiety exactly? Anxiety is a mental health disorder that is diagnosable utilizing the DSM-V. Anxiety is characterized by someone experiencing excessive feelings of impending doom or worrying thoughts with difficulty controlling the thoughts, ie shutting them off. Other symptoms of anxiety you can also experience are: irritability, fatigue, difficulty concentrating, muscle tension, feeling on edge, and sleep disturbance (difficulty falling/staying asleep, restless sleep, unsatisfying sleep).

It’s important to know that anxiety does not look the same on everyone. Most people believe that only those who are visibly anxious or fidgety  have anxiety. In reality a lot of people experience a more internalized type of  anxiety. There are people who have anxiety that look cool as a cucumber on the outside but on the inside they are freaking out and their mind is racing. Another big misconception is that someone with anxiety also experiences panic attacks. Some who suffer from anxiety never experience a panic attack, while there are others who experience panic attacks with their increased symptoms.

There are a few skills that my clients with anxiety have found helpful for coping with their symptoms.

• Self talk- talking yourself through those irrational thoughts to more rational thoughts.
• Mindfulness- doing your best to be mindful of your thoughts so you are able to catch those anxious thoughts quickly before they grow too big.
• Flipping thoughts- flipping negative thoughts to more positive. For example if you are thinking an event won’t be fun or that you won’t be good at something. You can flip it to more positive ones of, “I can have a good time at this event because I’ll be spending time with my friends or I have practiced hard and I know I can do this.”
• Distracting yourself- after flipping your thought or utilizing self talk, you can distract yourself with doing something else to help keep the thoughts from sneaking back up on you.
• Journaling- a great tool to use if you struggle falling asleep at night. I encourage my clients to journal before bed to help get all those thoughts racing in their mind out on paper. Journaling in general is a great tool to use on a regular.
• Deep breathing- taking slow deep breaths in counts of four. Breathe in…1..2..3..4, Breathe out…1..2..3..4, repeated.
• Other great skills that can be utilized are: yoga, coloring, exercise, decrease in caffeine intake, walks, talking through things with family/friends, playing with your pet, and reading, just to name a few.

The last thing I would like to leave you with is giving your self grace and patience when dealing with your anxiety. You will have days that are better than others. Try not to shame yourself for the bad days but find ways to do better. Every back step is another lesson learned on how to cope better. Do your best to not bully yourself with “why am I like this or what is wrong with me.” Truth is nothing is wrong with you, you are a person who struggles with anxiety. Finding acceptance that you have anxiety will motivate and encourage you to keep fighting through. Shaming yourself for having anxiety will only hold you back and possibly induce a bout of depression and/or decreased self esteem. I encourage those who struggle with anxiety to not shy away from getting support from family, friends, or even seeking out counseling if needed. Love yourself through it and give yourself grace during those difficult times.

Parent: “So how was school today?”
Child: “Fine.”
Parent: “What did you do?”
Child: “Nothing really.”

Sound familiar? If you are tired of getting the same response when you ask your child about his or her day, try changing how you question your child AND how you respond.

First, work on finding your child’s prime “talk time.” Maybe it is right after school, perhaps during dinner, or maybe during bedtime. Find the time when you can not only talk with your child, but also actively listen.

Next, try asking an open ended question about your child’s day. Instead of simply asking, “How was your day?” try a creative question using one of the ideas below. Print out the questions or save the image to your phone, so you will have if ready when you need it!

An important way to improve communication with your child (or anyone!) is by actively listening. When you utilize active listening, you show the other person that you are interested in what he or she is saying and that you want to hear more.

In order to actively listen, begin by giving your child your full attention. Stop what you are doing and make eye contact with your child as he or she talks with you. Sometimes it even helps to get on the same level as your child. Use reflection or paraphrasing to repeat what your child said in order to help your child feel heard. Pay close attention to your child’s emotions and behavior. Reflect what you see/hear by using statements like:

“It looks/sounds like something is bothering you.”
“I wonder if you felt ______ when that happened.”
“That sounds like a difficult situation. I’m wondering how you felt during that situation.”
“Wow, I bet you felt proud of yourself during that situation.”
“It must have been hard to deal with that today.”

Don’t worry about reflecting the wrong emotion–your child will correct you! If your child has had a tough day, reflect what you heard and help your child expand on the day by using more words to describe his or her feelings. Remind your child that ALL feelings are ok and that sometimes we feel more than one feeling at the same time.

Active listening takes practice! By taking the time to actively listen to your child, you can build your relationship and help your child feel heard. Try engaging your child with one of the creative questions above and let us know how it goes!

Oh, the holiday season! Hopefully some time off work to reconnect with friends, family, and loved ones. The kids are out of school, and often times, our daily is routine is out of whack, or completely lost, by this time in the break. All that said, most youth will be returning to school or childcare within the next week or so. Though there might be some excitement to show off the goodies we may have received over the school break there is also probably some apprehension, or reluctance, to get back into the swing of things. Here are 4 ways to help that transition go a little more smoothly.

• If you haven’t maintained your usual schedule, it’s time to get back to it. Often times, it’s even hard for adults to get back to their daily schedule after time off or a vacation. Youth also need that time for their bodies to adjust. So if bedtime has been later than usual, or pretty much nonexistent, it’s time for it to return. Instead of jumping right back into the routine by going back to the usual bedtime, it may be helpful to move it up little by little, between 15 minutes and 30 minutes each night or two. In addition, it’s likely that the youth has had more screen time than they typically have throughout the school week. Again, instead of a huge drop (say, from hours on end to 30 minutes a day), start cutting it down incrementally.
• Start talking to them about going back to school. Not only do we need to prepare for a change in schedule physically, we also need to prepare for it mentally and emotionally. While we don’t want to talk about it incessantly because we all want to enjoy the last of our time off, it is also important for youth to remember that the vacation is nearing an end. It’s probably helpful if, at some point in each day, you talk to the youth about how many days are left before they go back to school.
• Let them help you get prepared. Offer, or encourage, them to go grocery shopping with you. This will give them the opportunity to get the snacks and food items for lunch that they seem to enjoy. A day or two before they are scheduled to return, make sure that the outfit they wanted to wear for the first day back is clean and ready to wear. Locate the backpack that may have been been carelessly tossed into a corner or closet at the start of the winter break. Make sure all the school work in it is complete to prevent the last minute rush the night before, or the morning of, the first day back to school.
• Finally, revisit their holiday break wish list. Have a conversation with the youth in order for them to identify the things they hoped to do over the school break, and within reason, help that come to fruition. Maybe they were hoping to connect with a friend and they haven’t seen them yet. Perhaps they wanted to do something special with you while you were home as well. These last few days of freedom are a great opportunity to connect in ways that you won’t be able to once everyone is back to their busy lives- engage them in play with their toys, challenge them to a game or two, watch a movie, or just sit, talk, and enjoy the ability to connect.

Performance anxiety:

Whether you are an athlete, actor, musician, comedian or anyone who is giving a performance there is a level of anxiety/nervousness to be had before and during your performance. Some people experience a level of anxiety about their performance that debilitates them from doing there best and sometimes even being able to perform. Nervousness/anxiety in small doses are normal and even good because it can give you energy to perform at your best.

You have a great talent if you are performing but sometimes that can be hard to see, especially if the stakes are high. What happens is negative thoughts cloud your mind and you start to fear the worst or you feel the pressure of the big game or the solo is just too much for you. I am here to tell you that you can overcome this anxiety. It will take hard work and dedication to doing some small things each day, but it is possible and will help you to perform at your best.

Here are some tips on how to decrease performance anxiety:

First, you have to learn to get your breathing under control. For any performer breathing is an essential task. If your breathing increases you may panic and not be able to perform. A nice steady pace for breathing is ideal. A good technique to help with this is breathing in through your nose for 4 counts and SLOWLY out through your mouth for 6-7 counts. The exhale is the most important part and will help you to relax. Make sure you are breathing from your abdomen and not your chest. You can practice this daily by setting a timer for 3 minutes and doing this breathing exercise. Do this before your performance and during if you need too.

Second, Your mind is so powerful. If you can see it, then you can do it. Visualize your performance beginning to end without any flaws. Visualize yourself making that 3 pointer, or hitting the note you normally struggle with, or having great timing with your jokes. You can also do this with your breathing technique once you have the breathing technique mastered.

Third, how you talk to yourself about your abilities will determine if you will perform at your best. If you say negative things about yourself, you will believe them and they will become true. If you tell yourself that you are good, you do have the talent, you have practiced hard, and that you are able to perform AT YOUR BEST (not anyone else’s best), you will perform at that level. So a good skill is to make a list of positive statements about you and your ability in the area you are about to perform. Repeat these things to yourself a few times a day (not just the day of the performance). Also repeat these things to yourself before the performance along with breathing and visualization.

I hope these are helpful tips. If you need more help with performance anxiety OR just want to perform mentally at a better level, contact us at The Willow Center to get help from a therapist

The Joy of Choosing Happiness…                               

Many of the emotions we experience as human beings are “made” as if an individual has no control or options about it.  You know, “You make me so happy!”  Or more frequently, “You make me so mad!”  It’s a misconception that is detrimental to anyone who seeks to have control over his or her own life.  Viktor Frankl once wrote: “Between stimulus and response there is a space.  In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies growth and our freedom.”  

To believe we have choice in our response to the things people do or say in our general direction, we must also accept responsibility for our actions.  I can certainly feel angry at the driver who pulls out in front of me (feelings are not good or bad, right or wrong) but if I respond to that stimulus by honking my horn and swearing angrily, that driver will know not to do that to me again, right?  No, the driver goes on probably blissfully unaware and I am left with the residual anger and distaste that can follow me like a cloud of stink the rest of the day.  To choose not to respond angrily, but instead to think, “I have probably been guilty of much the same thing during my lifetime of driving.  Good thing I was alert this time.”  And then I take a deep breath in and slowly let it go.

Unfortunately in our world today, even a pleasant surprise can be taken onto our shoulders as a burden.  Maybe you receive a bouquet of flowers at work.  They are from your significant other.  Your response?  “What the heck did the jerk do wrong now?” or “Did I forget an anniversary?” or just maybe, “It’s really nice to know someone is thinking fondly of me.”  The assumption that, even in a seemingly nice gesture, there is negative subtext is an exhausting way to live.  

Speak your feelings and take responsibility for them and in the “space between” choose happiness—grow and be free.