When an individual encounters the feeling of stress or experiences difficulties with their emotions, it can be essential that they utilize a coping mechanism to help counteract it. A coping mechanism (or a coping skill) is a technique many counselors/therapists suggest to clients as a way of reducing feelings of stress, anxiety, anger, depression, etc.  Coping skills are often utilized as a means to help individuals stabilize their mood, decrease anxiety, suppress depressive thoughts, as well as deal with numerous different problems and minimize stress.

There are two different forms of coping mechanisms, which are: unhealthy coping skills and healthy coping skills. Individuals often utilize unhealthy coping skills as a “quick” form of gratification or relief from a problem or emotion. They typically do not help to solve a problem, but may distract or numb the individual temporarily. They may also be a catalyst for future problems and negative consequences as well. There are numerous unhealthy coping skills that an individual can utilize, but some examples include: isolating oneself, self-harm, avoiding sleep or sleeping too much and physical aggression.

Healthy coping skills however, tend to help the individual resolve problems and increase their likelihood of experiencing positive results. They are more proactive and allow the individual to effectively cope with negative experiences.  There are various healthy coping skills that an individual can utilize, but some common examples include: seeing a therapist or a counselor, journaling, exercising, eating a balanced diet and deep breathing exercises.

Let’s discuss a hypothetical situation for a moment that may help display the differences between healthy and unhealthy coping mechanisms.

The example:

Jane Doe has recently been experiencing difficulties in her relationship. She has felt uneasy and upset, as she suspects her partner may have been unfaithful. The thought of confronting her partner is causing her to experience extreme anxiety and depressive thoughts. In order for Jane Doe to reduce these unwanted feelings, she is utilizing unhealthy coping mechanisms. Instead, Jane Doe could utilize the healthy coping skill of seeking professional help. By seeing a mental health professional, she could work towards feeling less anxious and depressed in a healthier manner.

If you are interested in learning more about healthy vs. unhealthy coping mechanisms please check out this link! https://www.therapistaid.com/worksheets/healthy-unhealthy-coping-strategies.pdf

This is an extremely informative worksheet/online activity that does a wonderful job at helping individuals replace unhealthy coping skills with healthy ones. I highly suggest utilizing this worksheet if you are looking to incorporate more effective coping mechanisms into your life! It is an excellent tool to utilize both at home, or with a counselor as well.

One of the most painfully inauthentic ways we show up in our lives sometimes is saying “yes” when we mean “no,” and saying “no” when we mean “hell yes.” -Brene Brown

Achieving and maintaining balance in one’s life is an issue that is often addressed in the counseling office. In order to achieve balance, it is necessary to set boundaries and to get comfortable and confident in saying “no”. It feels like a simple enough task, so why are so many of us bad at doing it? Dr. David Burns, author of the popular book, Feeling Good, offers the following reasons:

Conflict phobia: You are afraid that if you say no, the other person will get angry and annoyed with you. In other words, saying no does not make you a jerk.

Fear of disapproval or rejection: You are afraid that if you say no, the other person will judge you, disapprove of you, or reject you.

Submissiveness: You believe that your role in relationships is to make others happy, even at the expense of your own needs and feelings. Remember, you are not responsible for anyone else’s happiness, but your own.

Guilt: You may feel that if you say no, it means that you are somehow “bad,” and that it’s your duty to please other people.

Achievement addiction: You say yes to almost everything because you think this or that activity will make you more productive and successful.

“When you say yes to others, make sure you are not saying no to yourself.” -Paulo Coelho

There is pressure to be a “yes” person. It is a common belief that people who say “yes” are the ones who get ahead and become successful. However, saying yes all the time comes with a cost. Happiness and joy are often compromised as well as our emotional and mental well-being. Feelings of resentment, frustration, overwhelm, guilt and exhaustion are common. Burnout is almost inevitable.

It was recently brought to my attention that I was a “yes” person who was overcommitted and involved in too many things. Perhaps. However, I was grateful it was brought to my attention because it caused me to reflect on my commitments and why I participated in them. It led me to ask the questions, “Is it worth it?” and “Does saying yes cultivate joy in my life or deplete it?” Ultimately, I learned that most of my commitments bring me great joy, but perhaps some reevaluating might be warranted. Nonetheless, these are good questions to keep in mind.

So how does one say “No” and not feel like a jerk? Remember that saying “no” is a response to the request not the person. Try saying, “Sorry, I can’t make that work,” or “Actually, I don’t go out during the week!” You can still be helpful by saying, “Actually, Michelle would be perfect to help you with this. Did you try her?” You can still be gracious by saying, “My plate is full right now due to other obligations, but thanks for thinking of me”. You can still be open-ended, “Let me think about it! I’ll get back to you soon.” It’s ok to take time to think it over. However, if there is not a chance you will say yes, then just say no and don’t drag things out.

An interesting study in the Journal of Consumer Research found that saying “I don’t” instead of “I can’t” as a refusal strategy yielded a more positive response. “I can’t” sounds like an excuse, while “I don’t” suggests one has established rules and convictions. As a result, refusals tend to be met in a more respectful manner.

Saying “no” frees up our time and energy to be able to get to an authentic “yes” where we are able to give attention to what matters most and brings meaning to our lives.

Yes Norman, there is power in positive thinking! Not only that, positivity begets positivity and negativity begets negativity.  You can spiral your mood up to the sun or down to the depths of darkness. There is power in thinking and you can develop a habit of thinking positively or negatively.  As it turns out, Norman Vincent Peale and his message that there is power in positive thinking has been validated by research. Researchers have found that positive thinking can help you manage stress and live longer.  On the flip side, negative thinking is a feature of depression and can lead to despair and hopelessness.

A person has between 25,000 and 50,000 thoughts a day.  You can change how you feel by changing how you think.  The evidenced based practice of cognitive therapy is an effective method for treating depression.  A cognitive therapist helps people to change negative patterns of thinking.   Also, because of some new information on brain stimulation, a current conception of depression is that it is a brain circuit dysfunction. Stimulating an area in the prefrontal cortex of the brain helps set in motion the circuits to a positive mood.

Positive thinking stimulates the prefrontal cortex.  Anyone can benefit from having a positive mood.  Here are some ways to pump-up your own prefrontal cortex:

1) Picture yourself as succeeding.  Use your wild mind and reach for the stars!

2)  Get the right amount of shut-eye.  If you have trouble getting quality sleep, listen to Erin Wiley’s Therapy Show podcast number 5.  She gives you a great sleep inducing trick!  Here’s the link https://erinwileytherapy.com/podcast/

3) Offer and receive physical contact.  Yep, hugging is good for your brain.  Cuddling your pet counts!

4) Develop an attitude of gratitude. Weirdly there is a law of diminishing returns when re-counting your gratefulness too often.  Keep a gratitude journal but only write in it about two days a week for the best result.

5) Work with a counselor to retrain your brain. Cognitive therapists are the experts at this, so go get one to guide you through the road to positivity.

6) Move your body.  Dance, clean, run, take a yoga class or just plain walk.

7) Learn something new or do something different with what you already know.  Like driving home a different route or cleaning your house in a different order than usual.

8) Laugh.  Humor is one key to happiness.  Make jokes, look for the funny side of a serious situation, watch comedy.

There has been a lot written about this subject and one book that stands out and has concrete suggestions about looking at thoughts is Awareness by Anthony de Mello. He reveals how negativity operates and is an obstacle to achieving happiness.   And,  Norman Vincent Peale’s The Power of Positive Thinking has many practical and inspirational messages. The title makes it just plain great to have on the bookshelf!

All too often, we hear about the negative effects of too much screen time on our health and well-being.  However, with moderation, there are many apps that can help monitor and support our mental health. After all, there seems to be an app for everything these days!  The following 5 apps have been “therapist tested and approved” and are great tools to support your mental health.

Virtual Hope Box (Free)

With the Virtual Hope Box app, you can create a portable support kit right on your phone! You can personalize the 5 sections of the app based on your needs:

• Remind Me: Upload photos and videos of positive memories or things that spark joy

• Distract Me: Play a built-in game or puzzle

• Inspire Me:  Swipe through uplifting quotes

• Relax Me: Try a guided relaxation exercise

• Coping Tools: Create personal coping cards

The app also allows you to upload phone numbers of supportive friends and family–you can call them directly from the app.  If you are having a tough moment, simply open the app and choose the category that will help you cope.

iMoodJournal ($2.99)

The iMoodJournal app functions as both a personal journal and a mood tracker.  Set a reminder to log your mood 1-2 times daily and track your mood over time. Beyond tracking your mood, you can also add in sleep, stress triggers, monthly cycles, and other symptoms.  After you have added your data for a few weeks, check out your graphs and look for trends to see how your moods rise and fall.

Relax Lite (Free)

This simple app can help you master the skill of deep breathing.  Turn the app on, close your eyes, and listen to the audio cues that signal when to breathe in and breathe out.  As you get better at the skill, choose from more advanced levels that gradually reduce your breathing rate. Practicing deep breathing has many benefits, including:

• Increased relaxation and focus

• Reduced levels of anxiety

• Decreased blood pressure and heart rate

• Increased ability to fall asleep

• Assistance with pain management, including headaches and migraines

Headspace (Free for Basic App or Monthly Fee for Full Access)

The Headspace app offers a limited number of free guided meditations and mindfulness techniques, but has a comprehensive library of options if you choose to pay the monthly fee.  The best FREE feature of the Headspace app is found in the “Sleep” section of the app. Check out the “Sleepcasts” which are guided stories that relax your body and help you fall asleep.  It is hard NOT to fall asleep when you listen to a Sleepcast!

Done: A Simple Habit Tracker (Free)

Are you motivated by progress?  The Done app is a simple habit tracking app that helps you create healthy routines in your life.  Set your goals, track your progress, and get motivated by creating positive streaks. The Done app can help you set goals in which you both build and quit activities (ex: drinking more water or drinking less coffee). You can track several goals at once and view your trends over time with motivating progress graphs.

Let us know if you try out any of the apps or if you have additional apps you would recommend to support mental health!

Is there someone in your life who you love and care about going through a mental illness (depression, anxiety, bipolar, PTSD, etc)? Does it feel like you are living it with them? Are you lost on how to approach/cope with this relationship?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, the following suggestions can help you to cope with a loved one who is experiencing mental illness.

Knowledge is definitely power in this situation. Not all mental illnesses are the same. The more you can educate yourself on the specific mental illness your loved one has, the better you will understand how and why you cope with this persons disorder. There may be classes or books or you may be able to talk with a mental health professional in order to get this information.

Be patient. In a world where we want immediate gratification, that has to be far from your sights with mental illness. Prepare for the long-haul. There will be periods of really rough times and periods of great times and then rough times again. It will eb and flow depending on the disorder and the persons willingness to implement change. It takes time to make changes and it may be something this person will have to deal with the rest of their lives. Empathy and validation are two great tools you can use to show you understand your loved one. Sometimes there is no “try harder” button and this is where they are. Your support and patience will go a long way.

You alone can’t fix this and there is not a “quick” fix. Encourage outside professional help and help from other support systems (groups, family, friends). You do not have to take this on yourself. If your loved one is not willing to get help, then it is recommended that you seek professional assistance in order to learn how to cope and problem solve their mental illness in your life.

Have a conversation with them about what helps and how your behavior influences their mental illness. Identify healthy ways to communicate and work together.

Lastly, take care of yourself! You have to fill your cup up or you won’t have anything to give to your loved one. Do things that relax you 1-2 times a week for 15-30 minutes.

I’ve changed. “But you’re old!” I hear you say.  To which I say, “I haven’t stopped learning or interacting with people and as long as I am capable of it, I will continue to do so and continue to change.”  But for whatever reason, people don’t like change and they particularly don’t like change to appear in their own back yard.

It can be frustrating for those who do change to be met with disapproval, disdain and rejection.  When my older son was three years old, he got his big boy bed complete with Winnie-the-Pooh bedspread and matching sheets.  We lovingly tucked him in and kissed him good night.  Our little boy was growing up and we were pleased to be leaving diapers, pacifiers and temper tantrums behind (2 out of 3 ain’t bad). That’s how we saw the change – the possibility of independence.  We had barely sat down on the couch when our little boy ran down the hall, jumped into the room, arms raised in triumph, and yelled, “TA-DA!”  My son clearly viewed the change completely differently… it was about independence … HIS independence!

And that’s the real issue isn’t it?  “Your change forces me to change and I do not like that.” So the changers get words thrown at them like, hypocrite, liar, brown-noser, or the infamous, “So, what, now you think your betta than me?”  Beware. When you contemplate a change, you may need an independent fan club.  Because honestly, how is your diet going to effect others? Your significant other may resent healthier meals; your children may resent the lack of good snacks in the house; and your sister may resent the possibility that you will look “better” than her.

I’m a huge fan of the proactive strike.  Gather your loved ones and announce your change (bonus since “secret” changes rarely work). Explain to them why you are making this change. And, because you know they will probably not ask, tell them what might discourage and what they can do to help you.

Now for the loved ones of the changer… let me finish the “big boy bed” story. When last we saw him, my little boy was sharing his moment of triumphant independence.  My husband and I saw his triumph as ripping away our dreams of independence with the reality of his widening freedom.  We gave him a stern look and said his name in our sharpest tone. And I will never forget the look on his face as it crumbled under our lack of celebration.  He burst into tears and ran back to his big boy bed and although we followed and offered comfort, we couldn’t erase how we reacted to his “change.”

So I’ve changed. I’ve recently changed the way I accept change in my life, both my own change and the other people’s change.  I’ve widened my world and although I experience occasional growing pains, I hope to remain changed.

Do you ever find yourself procrastinating on a project that seems overwhelming? Worrying that you can’t do a good enough job, so you put off starting until the last minute, or just walk away from the challenge all together? Or maybe you’re on the opposite end of the spectrum: when faced with a challenge you spend a disproportionately inordinate amount of time making sure that it will meet the scrutiny of the most exacting critic? Either way, it’s possible you suffer from, at least a touch of, perfectionism: the belief that perfection can, and should be achieved at any cost. Perfection demands a high price, and since it requires meeting super-human standards, it’s a perpetually unattainable goal.

Everyone has some level of doubt when it comes to his or her self-worth. Being “good enough” is a fear that resonates deep within all of us, and is consequently a strong motivator of human behavior. When people question their self-worth, they seek ways to soothe themselves, to assure themselves of their worthiness. That can mean pursuing the approval of others in the forms of trophies, scholarships, job titles and promotions. Seeking the self-acceptance and praise of others ultimately leaves us empty and exhausted. And if achieving perfection is difficult, then maintaining the illusion of having reached perfection is even worse. It’s a hollow, lonely victory that can leave us fearing that others might knock us off our perch. Then suddenly all of life is a contest and those around us can seem like competitors trying to steal our thunder. The siren song of perfection tells us that we will only truly be worthy of love once we are good enough to deserve it. So, we try and earn it. But that’s not how real love works.

Here are three things you can do to help loosen the grip of perfectionism on your life so you can live in greater joy and peace:

1) Practice Authenticity: Admit the things at which you are not great. Accept those things and find peace in being able to let go of pretending to be better than others.

2) Spread Love: Take some of the energy you might have put into showing others how great your life is, and instead, throw some positivity their way. Compliment and applaud the success and achievement of those around you.

3) Extend Grace: Be generous in how you view others, and yourself. Choose to see imperfections not as character flaws, but as part of people’s humanity. Practice giving people the benefit of the doubt. It will help you be forgiving of others when they fall short of your expectations, and help you forgive yourself as well.

Rehearse these skills until they become habit, and you will find that the desire to attain perfection will lose its allure… and you will experience more authentic joy and real inner peace.

Romeo and Juliet, Ellen and Portia, Beyonce’ and Jay-Z, Ken and Barbie, Dick and Jane, Superman and Lois Lane and most of the couples that come to counseling say love has just about everything to do with their motivation to stay connected.  This is the month to celebrate the power of that thing that makes us laugh, cry, want to live and sometimes want to die.  There are some things we can do to keep love alive so lets starts with a little of the science of being in love.

The power of new love envelops us in a cloak of electric happiness and stark longing.   What is this visceral and distracting thing we experience when falling in love?  There is some mystery here yet people experiencing mad love have been studied and their MRIs show that the brain in love lights up.  According to researcherHelen Fisher, love operates below our emotions and thoughts; it turns on the brain to motivate, to crave, to focus on, and to stay attached to our loved one. It seems love is real and actually expressed physically in more than one way.

While the chemistry of falling in love lays the foundation for fondness and admiration of our loved one, sometimes the question is how do we keep the light shining bright?  How do we weather the storms of conflict that can shake the resolve and commitment?  Love gurus Dr. John and Julie Gottman studied people in their “love lab” and found that people who fall in love and remain happy over the long haul are intentional. They nurture their bond by creating daily or weekly rituals of connection.

Helen Fisher also studied the MRIs of people who had been married or together for 10 to 25 years and found out that the love area of their brains still lit up.  Evidence that being intentional about keeping love alive seems to work.  Here’s what the Gottman gurus say are the rituals of connection that help relationships thrive:

1) Eat meals together without screens! That’s also good for weight management.

2) Have daily stress reducing conversations.  These only need to be about 30 minutes to talk about stress outside of the relationship.

3) Vacation together. How about an annual honeymoon?!

4) Exercise together.  Do whatever floats both of your boats! Maybe hiking, tubing, walking, curling, bowling, golfing, weight lifting, yoga or biking is your jam?

5) Share a six-second kiss. Besides increasing intimacy, giving and receiving touch is also super good for your prefrontal cortex. Who knew a kiss is also brain food!

Finally, this Valentine’s Day you can give the gift of feeling loved by learning how to speak in “love language.” Author, Gary Chapman identified five love languages: Words of Affirmation, Receiving Gifts, Physical Touch, Acts of Service and Quality Time. Each of us has a primary love language that speaks more deeply to us than the others. Here’s the link for more information and a quiz that you can take to learn about your preferred love language: https://www.5lovelanguages.com/

Happy Valentine’s Day and may you feel the love.